I received a questionnaire from my book publisher that said, “There’s a lot of controversy surrounding international adoption. What do you say to people who believe that children from another country should not be adopted by Americans?“
The question didn’t surprise me because people ask me that a lot. My answer remains the same: I ask that they focus on what’s best for the child. Approximately 145 million children worldwide are living and dying in orphanages or on the streets, with no possibility of finding homes in their own country. Many will die, or if they survive, will reach adulthood so damaged by their experience, so deprived of parenting, education, and other essential opportunities, that they will be unable to function as adults in the realms of family and work. Countless studies by developmental psychologists and pediatricians prove that a child thrives best as part of a family, wherever that family comes from. Adoptions in Guatemala have been closed to Americans for two years now, and there has been no increase in adoptions of orphans by Guatemalans. There are simply more orphans. Instead of criticizing international adoption, people might better focus their energy on solving the problem of children living alone in the world, and figuring out how to give them the best chance in life.
Yesterday, my mother told me a story about a former neighbor of hers, an 89-year-old widow who now lives in an assisted living facility. Clara grew up in upstate New York, one of eight childen, sometime in the 1920s. When Clara was about ten, her mother left the family. For whatever reason, she just couldn’t cope. Because her father worked, Clara and her siblings were left home alone every day after school and in the evenings; soon, neighbors reported the family to the police and Clara and her two younger brothers were temporarily placed with relatives. When that didn’t work out, Clara and her brothers were removed. The three grew up in an orphanage.
My mother told me Clara asks her over and over, “Why did my mother leave? Why didn’t anyone come and get me?” Eighty-nine years old and near death, Clara is still mourning the loss of her mother, and reliving the heartbreak of growing up without family.
In an ideal world, all children would grow up in intact families in their country of origin. But we don’t live in an ideal world. I think about Clara and all the children like her, who grow up without family, and my heart feels like it could break. I challenge anyone to prove that growing up in an orphanage is preferable to growing up in a loving home, wherever that home may be.
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